E 19: Twenty Actionable Ways to Integrate Kindness into your Curriculum Starting Monday (with Sheila Sjolseth)

Sheila Sjolseth

Sheila Sjolseth brings to life acts of kindness and service projects that families and kids can do. In her daily adventures of serving with her young boys, she has witnessed the awesome things that happen when kids serve others. She started serving daily with her boys in 2012, when they were 3 and 5 years old. What started as a way to teach her kids empathy has transitioned to a way of life and a connection with thousands of others.

Born and raised in small towns across Texas, the oldest of four girls, she felt a call early on to help others for her career. She earned her Bachelor of Science in Special Education from The University of Texas at Austin and her Masters of Education in Learning and Teaching from the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Moving across the US and the world several times over, Sheila has taught in a variety of settings from a classroom in small town Texas, to a psychiatric unit in Chicago, to the US Department of Education. Public school, private school, charter school, and in the community, Sheila has had the opportunity to teach and present in almost every type of setting.
Along each step of the way, she worked with parents and students to improve parenting and learning skills. Known for her innovative teaching skills and ability to reach even the “hardest to reach” student, Sheila’s professional background is rooted in applying best teaching practices while addressing the needs of the student. As an educator and professional with 20 years of experience in working with children and parents, she truly believes that teaching kids to be kind results in a happier family.

As the President and Founder of Pennies of Time: Teach Kids to Serve, Sheila works with families and other community focused organizations to help families integrate kindness into daily habits. “Kindness as a lifestyle . . . not an item on a ‘to do’ list.” She is a 2015 Daily Point of Light Winner for contributions to family volunteerism and community service.

Her goal: For families to choose to complete an act of kindness as often as they go to soccer practice or to the movies.

“Let’s elevate the meaningful activities that we do as a family and lessen the activities that isolate us from one another.”

Her upcoming book will be released in late 2018.

Synopsis of Book:
Join Sheila in a journey through a magical land visiting families struggling to be kind in an unkind world. Her book is a storybook parenting resource that helps parents see what they can do to foster kindness and compassion in their homes. From an engaging story-line, poignant real life stories, and practical tools families can use, Sheila guides parents from doable first steps to an inspiring future where our children are compassionate problem- solvers.

Website
Pennies of Time-Kindness Academy
Instagram Twitter Facebook Pinterest

 

Seth Godin: What is School For?

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As an educator, have you ever found yourself stumped by the question, “Why are we even doing this?” or have you ever been graced with the inevitable “Is this on the test?” query?

In this very special episode, I talk to the one and only Seth Godin about disrupting the industrial model of education, helping students to get comfortable with struggle of learning and venturing beyond the pull of fitting-in.

We also discuss the real purpose of school and how we can best prepare our students for the uncertain future.

Finally, we explore the best way to provide feedback and advice to our learners, so that they may become the fullest expressions of themselves.

SETH GODIN is the author of 18 books that have been bestsellers around the world and have been translated into more than 35 languages. He’s also the founder of the altMBA and The Marketing Seminar, online workshops that have transformed the work of thousands of people.
He writes about the post-industrial revolution, the way ideas spread, marketing, quitting, leadership and most of all, changing everything. You might be familiar with his books Linchpin, Tribes, The Dip and Purple Cow.

 

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In addition to his writing and speaking, Seth has founded several companies, including Yoyodyne and Squidoo. His blog (which you can find by typing “seth” into Google) is one of the most popular in the world.

In 2018, he was inducted into the Marketing Hall of Fame. His latest book, *What To Do When It’s Your Turn* is now in its fifth printing. You can find it at yourturn.link (and the new book, *This Is Marketing*, comes out in November 2018).

Here is a link to his FREE PDF Education Manifesto (it’s so good… consider checking it out for yourself or using it for an in-school book club with your staff.)

Here is a link to his Akimbo Podcast. Seth always loves hearing how his work has impacted listeners, so send a voice message or ask a question about his episodes via his Akimbo website.

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Want to level up? Learn about the amazing online courses and seminars that Seth offers. No matter what type of work you’re doing, learn how to make your mark through the AltMBA and The Marketing Seminar .

Please let me know how you enjoyed the episode and feel free to comment on my blog or website smallactbigimpact.com

Thank you for listening!

 

Photo Credit: Brian Bloom

What is School For?

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What is school for?

In our current world filled with uncertainty, ubiquitous inundation of technology, and perceived political turmoil, many of us are feeling more and more disconnected from the very thing that has been scientifically proven to determine our overall sense of happiness: our connection to one another. Anxiety, loneliness, depression, and suicide rates continue to rise within our student populations across North America. On both macro and micro levels, it feels as though our country, many schools, teachers, parents, and students are all in crisis.FullSizeRender 10
As author, speaker, and marketing guru Seth Godin asserts, our contemporary industrial model of education has proven itself ineffective for preparing students for the uncertain future. Many of the jobs we once took for granted are being automated, and the advent of artificial intelligence underscores this point as we enter the futuristic age. So, it becomes more and more important for educators, parents, and educational leaders to ask themselves: What is school for?

I believe it all comes down to teaching two main skills: authentic kindness and resilience.

hearthandsWe need to prepare students with the prosocial (Social Emotional Learning) skills they require to connect to those around them, to tune into the needs of their real-time peers, and to use their understanding, compassion, kindness, to solve interesting problems that machines can’t. It’s about explicitly and carefully crafting classroom cultures of authentic belonging.

It is also imperative that we teach students to be resilient, challenge themselves, to withstand and grow (bounce forward) from adversity, and to see apparent failures as the answer to becoming successful. These are the skills it takes to make it in the Real World. Kids need to learn how to get comfortable with ‘failure.’

IMG_4271In the not-so-distant future, success will be in the hands of the imaginative entrepreneur who recognizes that it’s ok to ask for help, it’s ok to fail, it’s ok to be vulnerable despite your seeming imperfection, and that it’s ok to be a work in progress. According to Warton School of Business Professor Dr. Adam Grant, most of young people, employers, and teachers appreciate that we need to be working more on developing life skills such as, confidence/motivation to tackle problems, interpersonal skills to work with others, and the resilience to stay on task when things fall apart, rather than primarily focusing on academic qualifications.

We all want this outcome, but how do we get there?

Many organizations and individuals in our schools and communities are working diligently, joyfully, and creatively not only to prepare teachers, students and their families for the future ahead, but to foster supportive community environments in which people feel seen and heard. Certain individuals work covertly and quietly within their classrooms, offices, and institutions, while others do so more publicly. Ultimately, however you seek to serve people, you’re a benefit and you’re adding value.

The 1Up Single Family Resource Centre in Victoria, for example, works hard to support single parents through parenting courses, education, mentorship, support for mental health and addiction, and I’ve seen their powerful work firsthand.

Lisa Baylis, Greater Victoria School District high-school counsellor and founder of AWEsome Wellbeing Educator Retreat, “offers workshops that bring tools and strategies to parents and educators to help them create wellness habits for themselves first, and then their families and classrooms second, subsequently creating a culture of resiliency, self-regulation and awareness.” Her work, which has been recognized in a number of important business and educational publications, contributes directly to cultivating kind, supportive cultures in schools.

inquiry_mindset_clearAuthors Trevor Mackenzie and Rebecca Bathurst-Hunt’s recent work in their amazon best-selling collaborative book Inquiry Mindset, provides an inspiring and actionable roadmap for teachers to adapt the concept of growth mindset, autonomy, personalized learning, and inquiry-based learning within any K-12 classroom. They encourage teachers to celebrate the process of learning, by showcasing the ‘messiness’ of growth through a variety of methods, to value a provoked sense of curiosity, and to enable students to allow themselves to be vulnerable knowing that everyone experiences challenges and perceived failures when trying to solve interesting problems.

The Small Act Big Impact 21-Day Kindness Challenge serves to promote and cultivate safe and supportive cultures, through which students, leaders, and teaching staff can gain a profound sense of belonging and significance.Neuroscientists have proven that when we receive kind acts, oxytocin (the belonging/love hormone) is released making us feel more connected to those around us. What’s surprising is that oxytocin is also released when the giver performs a kind deed and even when someone witnesses a nice gesture! So, through kindness, we can literally change our immediate work and school cultures, one act at a time. Let’s make it a habit.IMG_4273

The thing is, we can all contribute to kind and resilient cultures through our actions, whether we do so publicly or through the small things we do daily. Through those actions, who knows how far the ripples will spread and who we will inspire. We all stand to benefit from a stronger sense of connection to one another, right?

Together, let’s make a big impact, one small act at a time.

 

cropped-img_86602.png If you’re a teacher, keep your eyes peeled in September 2018 for Pro-D workshops designed to provide teachers with a roadmap for implementing the theories of the Small Act Big Impact 21-Day Challenge through hands-on research-based, actionable tips and lessons to be used within the classroom, community, and at the leadership level. Drop me a line, comment or email me to let me know if you’d be interested in booking a 1/2 day session at your school or for a conference. smallactbigimpact21days@gmail.com

 

The 80/20 Principle As it Relates to Your Happiness

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The 80/20 Principle as it Relates to Your Happiness

Ok, so I just recently came across something that has useful and transformative applications to just about every single facet of anybody’s life. In fact, it’s such a simple, effective concept that it blows my mind that I hadn’t encountered it until this year, so I am dying to share it with you, too. In a nutshell, it’s an unassuming framework approach that can completely shift the way one makes decisions, runs a business or designs one’s existence. Literally, I believe it can change your life, making you happier, more intentional with your time, and more efficient.

So, let’s dive into it.

Initially discovered and developed by Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto in 1906, the Pareto 80/20 Principle (aka the 80/20 rule, the law of the vital few, or the principle of factor sparsity) was used to explain the wealth distribution among the Italian population. It stated that roughly 80% of the income in Italy was received by 20% of the population.

OK…that’s fine, but who really cares?

How does this apply to you?

Here’s where it gets interesting.

This principle has been used on macro and micro scales in a variety of fields with the purpose of increasing happiness, mindfulness, success, time efficacy, and overall ability to follow-through on the intentions one sets. Once one understands that the principle permeates just about everything, it can be used to measure your achievements and correct your course if you’re not feeling connected to what you’re doing.

Here are some examples that illustrate how the 80/20 principlemight relate to you (obviously, the ratios might be skewed slightly depending on the situation, but most can agree that there’s a pattern of a minority creating a majority):

Business:

  • 20 percent of employees are responsible for 80 percent of a company’s output
  • 20 percent of customers are responsible for 80 percent of the revenues /sales
  • 20 percent of product defects cause 80 percent of problems
  • 80 percent of complaints come from 20 percent of your customers
  • 20 percent of portfolio investments are responsible for 80 percent of growth/losses

Personal Habits:

  • 20 percent of the things you do result in 80 percent of happiness
  • 20 percent of my spending contributes to 80 percent of my fulfilment
  • 20 percent of your friends are responsible for 80 percent of your happiness
  • 20 percent of the people in your life are responsible for 80 percent of your unhappiness
  • 80 percent of value is a cause of the first 20 percent of your efforts
  • 20 percent of the photos you take are responsible for 80 percent of your overall photo-taking satisfaction
  • 20 percent of my wardrobe is worn 80 percent of the time
  • 80 percent of my phone time is wasted on 20 percent of your apps
  • 20 percent of US population uses 80 percent of healthcare
  • 20 percent of the world suffers 80 percent of serious hardships (good to remember)
  • 20 percent of food you eat 80 percent of the time

Work:

  • 20 percent of your work make up for 80 percent of your output
  • 80 percent of the work might be completed by 20 percent of the workers
  • 20 percent of tech problems contribute to 80 of time spent trying to solve them
  • 80 percent of customers only use 20 percent of tech products available to them
  • 20 percent of my tasks bring 80 percent of my success

School:

  • 20 percent of students are responsible for 80 percent of contribution at carpet time
  • 20 percent of students are responsible for 80 percent of the work within groups
  • 20 percent of students take up 80 percent of your time
  • 20 percent of parent population contribute to 80 percent of parent interactions
  • 20 percent of school day is dedicated to 80 percent of minds-on, hands-on learning work (I’m sure this depends)
  • 20 percent of our high-frequency words account for 80 percent of language used (oral and text)

 So, how do I use the 80/20 Principle to improve my life?

 Over the last year or so, I’ve used the principle to help me reach conclusions or advise others on their decisions.

For example, a close friend of mine was having a difficult time navigating a difficult interaction with her friend. They just couldn’t seem to agree on the value-based issue, which seemed to come up again and again whenever they would visit. It had been years and it became clear to me that the only reason my friend was maintaining the relationship was out of an arbitrary obligation.

Sometimes, 20 percent of our “friendships” cause us 80 percent of our grief and unhappiness. Maybe it’s more valuable to dedicate 80 percent of our time to the 20 percent of people who add the most value to our lives. Time is finite. We are under no obligation to surround ourselves with people who drain our energy, put us down, or reduce our overall happiness. As Jim Rohn once said, we are an average of the five people with whom we surround ourselves.

Sometimes, we have to fire our “friends” to become happier and live the lives we want.

Here are some useful questions to ask yourself:

  1. Which 20 % of activities and people in my life are responsible for 80 % of my challenges or frustrations?

  2. Which 20 % of activities, people, work, passions are resulting in 80 % of my fulfilment?

  3. Which 20 % of my things bring me 80 % of my joy?

  4. Which 20 % of food do I eat 80 % of the time?

After you answer those questions, it’s easy enough to search for patterns and analyze the following in order to intentionally live the life that brings you the most fulfilment and happiness:

  • What do I need to be doing more of?

  • What do I need to be doing less of?

  • With whom do I need to be spending more/less time?

  • What do I need to be eating less/more of?

 

Sources:

Tim Ferriss Four Hour Work Week

Wikipedia

Mark Mansen

 

 

Finding Your Way to Happy Through Flow

7585962832_IMG_2415We are afraid

The thing is, most of us are afraid.

Afraid to put ourselves ‘out there.’

Afraid to make the invite.

Afraid to fail. Afraid to succeed.

Afraid not to be liked. Afraid to love.

Afraid to say, ‘yes.’ Afraid to say, ‘no.’

Afraid to show our hearts. Afraid to see ourselves in others.

Afraid to take the leap. Afraid to sit still.

Afraid to be different. Afraid to be normal.

Afraid to be boring. Afraid to stand out.

The Box

So, we nestle ourselves comfortably within the confines of the bell curve.

We strive for ‘acceptably normal.’ We strive to ‘fit in.’

So that we’ll belong. So that we’ll be loved.

But the problem is that the more we strive to fit into the curve, the more apathetic we become, the more bored we find ourselves, the more anxiety we develop,

and the less energy and dedication we spend on what truly matters.

The more we strive to belong to something external, the less we tune into ourselves and what brings our souls to life.

And what more is there? What are we waiting for?

Permission?

A roadmap?

Someone else to do it first?

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You are your best thing.

This moment you’re living right now is life.

If not now, when?

Too often, we conform to the vision of what we should be, instead of focusing on what fills us with joy, meaning, and purpose in our lives.

We deny ourselves the delight of play, creation, and curious exploration, trading authentic expression for certainty.

What if we pressed pause on fear, just for long enough to see it for what it is? To examine thoughtfully how it holds us back? What if we thanked it, as author Elizabeth Gilbert does when she begins any new creative project, and explained patiently that for this endeavour, its services aren’t required.

What if instead of pursuing success according to someone else’s definition and consistently measuring ours in relation to theirs, we redefined it for ourselves?

What if our focus shifted to finding deep fulfilment through the expression of our truest selves?

Now, for the million dollar question…

HOW?

How can I become more fulfilled and happy?

Mihaly Csiksentmihaly is a positive psychologist, speaker, and author has made it his life’s work to find out what makes people happy and deeply fulfilled. In his 2004 TED talk, Flow, The Secret to Happiness, he asserts the research-based conclusion that material goods do not ensure happiness, and that true happiness is found when one is in flow.

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In order to measure flow, Csiksentmihaly measured people’s moods in relation to subjective perception of their own skills and perceived challenge-level of a task. Individuals were asked to identify their emotions/task/whereabouts 10 separate times per day for a set period of time. Each individual had their own set point (or baseline for emotion/skill/challenge level). He identified that flow occurs when people feel highly challenged, while simultaneously believing that they have the skills to succeed in completing the challenging task. Boredom and apathy were the two emotions that were most detrimental to creating a state of flow. It’s very similar to Vygotsky’s learning theory of the Zone of Proximal Development.

 

So, how do you find your flow? How do you even know when you’re close?

Here are the 7 signs that you’re in flow: (paraphrased from TED2004):

  1. Complete focus and concentration on a task
  2. A sense of being outside of yourself, the world, and the everyday
  3. Clarity-you know where to go intuitively
  4. You know that even through an activity is difficult, your skills are adequate enough to complete the task (difficult but possible)
  5. A sense of serenity and growth, unencumbered by the ego
  6. Time disappears
  7. Intrinsic motivation-the activity itself is the reward

We all have that thing that puts us into flow. Flow is our soul’s connection to purpose and meaning. Flow is play.

Think of the child who weaves in and out of flow so effortlessly, without the promise of an end-product.

Flow is that perfect balance when challenges are higher than average, but so is the skill set. It’s where you feel the joy of innovation and creation, while experiencing deep connection to the world and your place in it.

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Maybe it’s been a while since you experienced it. Perhaps you’ve even convinced yourself that it’s a thing of the past.  Maybe you’re waiting for the perfect moment or a permission slip from the office…

Take the leap. Just for fun. Find and explore the thing that makes you feel alive and connected.

Allow it to dissolve time.

Let it carry you away.

It may not bring you financial wealth, but it will make your soul fuller.

 

 

Just do a little more of that thing.

And maybe when you’re ready, you’ll share it.

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Small Treasures

Overcome by the enormity of change that inevitably arrives with every end-of-year transition at school, I remember gazing at the naked mismatched desks, the barren coatroom, and the dozens of cardboard boxes stacked precariously and filled to the brim with classroom essentials awaiting their new destination, nostalgia tugging at my heartstrings.IMG_2828

As I waited for the entry bell to ring one final time, the early morning sunrays streamed through the exterior door’s small square window, illuminating once-white walls of the classroom, now scuffed and dented, proof that for a whole year this silent space had indeed held and nurtured a group of exuberant, jostling, and lively beings.

It had been unforgettable year. I had spent it teaching and learning from a diverse, challenging, wonderful group of Grade One children, connecting deeply with their families, and creating unbreakable bonds with the dynamic staff and administration of an inner-city school in Victoria.

It had also been an exciting and surreal time, for me, personally. That August, while vacationing in France, I received the surprise of a lifetime when my now-husband ushered me to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, lowered himself onto one knee and proposed. The moment had been nothing short of cinematic. A small crowd cheered and applauded as I accepted his offer, we laughed, cried and embraced. Right then, as if on cue, the great tower had come to life, enveloping us in its dancing, sparkling light. A few months later, we purchased and moved into the home in which we are now raising our family.

We had spent the year carefully balancing the many aspects of our busy, young lives, palpable pre-wedding anticipation and excitement permeating everything.

In this brief moment of solitude, peace and gratitude stood beside me as I peered over the edge of transformation.

Suddenly, the bell rang. I could hear the unmistakable boisterous voices of my students rising to crescendo as they formed a line against the outside wall. Inhaling deeply, I carefully swung the door open and welcomed my eager students inside for their last day of school.

“Mme. Michael! Mme. Michael!”

Julia*, a normally-quiet, compassionate, and patient little girl, excitedly pushed her way through the crowd and bounded toward me with a toothy smile, thin blond pony-tail swaying. I noticed she was clasping a bulky shoebox adorned with stickers and decorated lovingly with paint.

The eldest of four children, Julia was classically responsible, earnest, and always heartbreakingly willing to help others. She was also chronically tardy for school and would often show up wearing the same clothing she had worn for several days in a row.

I recall one particular day after school her exhausted mother had lingered, a baby on her hip and a couple of mischievous toddlers keeping her running in frantic zigzags throughout our conversation. With tears welling in her eyes, she had confided that with a husband frequently deployed on important military missions, despite her best efforts, she found it hard to make it to school on time. The baby was up throughout the night, she struggled with her health, it was hard financially to get a meal on the table, and she often felt overwhelmed by loneliness. Although my 20-something-self wasn’t entirely sure how to help or even respond to this mother’s plea for support and kinship, I grew to understand how Julia seemed years beyond her six-year-old-self.

Ignoring the other children jockeying for their positions on the carpet, impatient to begin their last day, Julia thrust the decorated box into my surprised hands.

“This is for you, Mme. Michael!” she exclaimed with glittering anticipation.

Drawing the box toward me, I hinged it open.

Inside, arranged in a cushion of newsprint carefully folded into the base of the shoebox, were the following treasures, meticulously selected for me, undoubtedly from the shelves of her very own bedroom:

A factory painted bunny with a broken ear,

A bright pink, bouncy ball,

A handmade bracelet made of mismatched letter beads,

And a vending-machine ring

Julia stood before me beaming with pride and excitement.

This sweet little girl, who had nothing to give, had given me the most meaningful and beautiful gift I have ever received.

It took everything I had not to break down.

In that moment, I pulled her close to me, wrapping my arms around her tiny shoulders, tears brimming in my eyes.

Thanking her for thoughtful kindness, I collected myself and turned to the class, ready to start our last day together.

 

 

 

 

 

So, I Threw A Spatula…

Just last week, in a fit of quiet rage and a heightened sense of perceived injustice, I hurled a spatula across my kitchen.

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I cannot convey to you, by the way, how hard that sentence was to admit, write and publish.

Anger’s not cute

Anger is not cute. Rage…even less so. It’s not an emotion many people, women specifically, proudly tout. Lack of control, specifically expressions of anger, seems to run counter to the current culture of mindfulness and increased emotional intelligence.

I admit, I’m not proud of throwing that spatula in fury. However, I choose to share my embarrassing outburst on social media because despite being one of the least favourite emotions, anger is a human one. It’s part of the colourful rainbow of sentiments that contributes to the privilege of being human. No one is exempt or immune. Nor, should we strive to be.

Nevertheless, we rarely see examples of healthy, thriving women in their anger. Somehow, anger doesn’t fall into the parameters of what society believes a woman should exude.

As Soman Chainani, acclaimed author and filmmaker, asserts, “Social media has made it so that we are constantly judging ourselves and others. If we’re not careful, our social media feeds become a torture device, an assault of beauty and perfection designed to make you feel inadequate. It makes you intolerant of other people’s real imperfections, and it makes you start to despise the weight of real life, and invest in shallow, flimsy, two dimensional mirrors of it.”

Our growing understanding of emotional expression has somehow coincided with raised and often unrealistic expectations of how our emotions should manifest themselves, which can result in feelings of shame in moments we don’t present as calm, cool, and controlled. We can even tell ourselves the story that we’re somehow ‘defective.’

A bit of background…

I should mention, for the record, that I didn’t throw the spatula at anyone. I was standing alone in the kitchen, ruminating.

The rage had been fuelled by a recent article in Maclean’s magazine, titled I Regret Having Children. The article reported that an increased number of women across North America were expressing regret for having had children, a fact I vehemently DO NOT personally agree with.

Reading it made me angry for three reasons:

  1. Mental Load: Most mothers these days share a profound first-hand understanding of the day-to-day inner conflicts one experiences when trying to meet insatiable, constant, 24-hour needs of our little people, balance and manage a household, nurture a flourishing relationship, nail it in our ambitious careers, all the while attempting to maintain a stronghold on one’s own identity and wellness. Just look at popular posts like the recent work by cartoonist Emma, You Should Have Asked, which depicts the pressures of ‘mental load’ in a hilarious and all-too-familiar manner. It resonates. However, it doesn’t mean I REGRET the choice to have children. It breaks my heart that for a rising number of women, the only relief comes from wishing they never had children. I HATE that women feel like they need to choose some binary definition and experience of motherhood. And that a surprising number feel like they chose wrong.IMG_2650
  2. I felt set up: After finishing the article, I couldn’t help myself. I continued scrolling down to the comments section, anticipating the onslaught of inevitable traditionalist commentators. Sure enough, comments judging the “regretters” harshly, each one echoing the other, affirmed that our current cultural and family denigration is owed to women forgetting their place. Blaming and shaming women for being selfish in their pursuits. Declaring that they should only find fulfillment by filling their pre-determined roles. Where is the village? The lack of support, the sometimes-lonely nature of parenting, and the expectations of living up to some ideal make it difficult to be a mother. It’s unjust and unfair…and heartbreaking. The underlying cultural viewpoint that this is somehow a mother’s issue is infuriating. Really, this comes down to perpetuated societal injustices. This is everyone’s problem!
  3. A building sense of injustice: So, there I stood, staring at the piled-up dishes taunting me from the sink, the next day’s awaiting lunch Tupperware practically begging to be filled from the messy counter, and imagined the wet laundry impatiently admonishing me for my turtle’s pace…empathy, solidarity, heartbreak mounting. I just couldn’t help myself…

So, I threw the spatula…

We feel we should know better

As soon as it clattered against the squared edges of the basin, the heat of shame quickly replaced the rage. Shocked, I realized that in spite of regular journaling, meditation, gratitude practice, and exercise, I had experienced an uncontrolled, reactionary outburst.

At the time, I thought, I know better! What is wrong with me? What had made me react like that? More importantly, I wanted to know how could I stop it from happening again.

I believe some people turn to mindfulness as an inoculation against uncomfortable human emotions like grief, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, and anger. That somehow, there’s a perception that meditation is the answer to ridding us of these feelings.

Our current mindset seems to be that the more we know, the more we should be able to control ourselves. Ironically, I have heard friends mention that mindfulness just doesn’t “work” for them, dejected in their inability to get ahead of their unwanted emotions and the humiliating ways these feelings can sometimes express themselves. Or, some teachers impatiently lament that reflection and meditation in school doesn’t immediately cause tangible changes in behaviour. But, maybe, we’re all missing the point?

What is authentic mindfulness?

Here’s the thing, resisting negative emotions only exaggerates them. Genuine mindfulness comes from acceptance and deep observation. Observing all emotions, accepting their existence, and dropping the expectation that we should somehow be immune to negative feelings. Only through that acceptance, can we alter our, possibly inappropriate, reactions.

Simple concept, challenging to execute

As Shawn Achor, Harvard-trained happiness expert and author asserts, “common sense is not common action.” What he means is that even if we know what to do, actually doing it comes down to more than just our willpower or intellectual knowledge. That’s why experts in the field refer to mindfulness and meditation as a practice. Much like going to the gym, we can’t simply attend for a week and expect to reap it’s benefits for the rest of our lives. It’s an on-going labour of love. We win some, we lose some, and the overall trend keeps us headed in a positive, self-aware direction.

What happened on the brain-level?

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(Pic credit www.greenlightheidi.com)

In order to explain what happened, we need to talk about the two parts of our brain that duel for supremacy.

First, we have the emotional, limbic, reptilian part of the brain (amygdala). When we’re threatened, cortisol and adrenaline (neuro-chemicals) course through our veins throwing this ancient part of our brain into fight, flight or freeze. This reaction can prove tremendously helpful in protecting us from the perils of huge predators; however, it is not of particular use when employed in day-to-day stressors. Cortisol shuts down the body on a fundamental level and is only meant to be present in our bodies for short bursts. The problem is, every single time we get stressed, cortisol is released. The compounding effects of stress on the body has been linked to decreases in effectiveness of the immune system, cardio-vascular functioning, digestion, cellular growth, empathy, and increases in depression and anxiety. It’s toxic stuff!

The other part of the brain, the logical prefrontal cortex, is responsible for rational thinking. It takes into account a myriad of factors about a situation, risk-assessing as it goes along, before advising you on how to react.

It’s fair to say that after reading that article, my limbic brain hijacked my rational brain, and consequently, I jumped into fight mode.

And so, I propose, maybe it would be more useful to be calculating success in terms of our Recovery Time, as opposed to some unattainable obliteration of negative thoughts. Recovery time meaning, how quickly are we able to get to a place of authentic, self-forgiving, ego-free reflection after an emotional breakdown?  How long does it take for the rational brain to regain control?

What Now? How do we increase our recovery time after an emotional outburst, anyway?

The key is letting go of the ego-which says that if you’re not winning, you’re losing. Compromise and self-reflection are not the ego’s favourite thing to do. We have to have more patience of ourselves and others in the process, so we can move on and bounce forward. Mindfulness plays a big role in recovery time.

And, a little bit of reflection also goes a long way…

Five things you can do to increase your recovery time:

  1. Your story: Ask yourself, What story am I telling myself right now?
  2. Let it out: Find a way to express your voice through journaling or talking. Sometimes, those big feelings just need validation.
  3. List it up: Create a mental or written list of what’s inside your control and what’s outside of it.
  4. Small Steps: Create a small goal you know you can accomplish. Doing that has a way to building your confidence. The all or nothing mindset serves nothing. Small steps lead to big changes!
  5. Celebrate: Holding yourself to an unrealistic ideal, when it comes to any behavioural change is a recipe for disaster and failure. Celebrate small triumphs!

 

 

 

 

Rethinking Regret: Two Stories of Forgiveness and Acceptance

Regret’s a funny thing, isn’t it? I used to believe that it served no redeemable purpose, that accumulated regret would only function to burden a person under its weight, like a sack of rocks, discomfort giving way to hopelessness and overall stuck-ness as one buckled under the heaviness of it over the years.

I remember one of my first memories as a child being steeped in regret. With my family, I had emigrated from France at the tender age of 4 ½, speaking not a single word of English. Days after having arrived in Canada, we decided to visit a museum somewhere on the East Coast. With my parents, I entered an enormous hall that housed an expansive and interactive children’s winter exhibition. I was overcome by the beauty of a massive igloo standing before me. Staring into the extended entryway of the beautiful, white, frosted structure, I suddenly became aware of the children playing inside. From the half-moon entrance, I gazed past the hallway, into the blue-white dome at the children’s exuberant and smiling faces decorated with sparkle face-paint. I remember my parents urging me to go in, but I just stood there, paralyzed.

Ironically, something about it delighted and intrigued me. I yearned for my cheeks to be adorned with frosty, magical paint, too, but my feet stood planted firmly on the concrete floor of the exhibition refusing the invitations of my perplexed parents.

Looking back, the long list of rapid-fire firsts undoubtedly had me swimming in a sea of very understandable overwhelm. My little 4-year-old heart desperately wanted to enter but my mind wouldn’t let me. I was standing at the edge of what felt like a life-changing cliff and felt unable to close my eyes, embrace the unknown, and take the leap.

I remember driving away from the exhibition, quietly heartbroken and disappointed that I had passed on the opportunity. Unable to forgive myself, whenever the uncomfortable experience came to mind, I would often push the memory away entirely.

Dramatic? Perhaps.

Minor? Seemingly.

But…perspective is relative…even to a child.

For a long time, I unconsciously adopted the ubiquitous North American bumper-sticker-slogan, “no regrets,” unequivocally rejecting the potential value of regret and denying its existence entirely. Regret is uncomfortable…why on Earth would one subject oneself to it?

Yet… I’ve recently changed my mind about regret.

Perhaps it does indeed have a purpose. That purpose, however, relies entirely on the ability of a person to harness its usefulness, while resisting the damaging effects of reliving a past one cannot change.

I have come to believe that regret operates as a guide…

reminding you to stand in your integrity,

to seek out the pursuits most connected to your ‘heart-wishes’ (the things that your ‘thinking-mind’ often prevents you from pursuing for a myriad of ‘rational’ reasons),

to have intention without hesitation and follow that intention with unapologetic purpose.

In order for regret to be useful, one has to also employ self-forgiveness.

Oh, forgiveness.

Like many people, I’ve had a challenging relationship with the general concept of forgiveness.

It’s taken me a long time to settle upon a definition that would enable me to engage in authentic forgiveness while maintaining my integrity. Here it is…

Forgiveness is the ability to accept the past and to stop wishing it were different, despite injustice, hurt, and heartbreak. It’s not about condoning. It’s about finding a way forward. Not for someone else. For yourself.

I believe that regret and forgiveness are closely tied. Regret is that inner reminder that tells you that you deviated from your values. Forgiveness allows you to move forward, becoming unstuck through your pursuit to apply your lessons learned. You can release yourself from replaying regret, accept it, apply the lesson, and live your life with the intention you have for it, in forward motion.

Nowadays, I call that inner-conflict I felt as a four-year-old in the museum winter exhibition, the “jump off the cliff” moments. Life presents you with these moments every so often, I believe, to test your character, courage, ability to step outside of your comforts. These are the moments where your heart knows what to do but the fear of uncertainty or apparent failure hold you back through hesitation, under the guise of protecting you.

I’ve had many of these moments.

We all have.

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Recently, I felt the familiar sting of regret, once again. It had been a while. It still sucked.

As a young girl, my grandmother Mac played a significant role in my life. Even into her eighties, I remember Mac as a smart-looking woman, immaculate glossy white permed curls, supple rosy cheeks, expertly-applied fuschia lipstick, a closet full of high-heeled YSL shoes, and charisma beaming from captivating electric eyes.

She was a petite little thing, so much so that she always drove her 1960’s Valiant perched upon a couple of opulent throw pillows, and even still, could just barely see over the steering wheel. Small as she was, one learned never to underestimate her. She was one of the most determined, brave, and stubborn women I knew. The eldest of 11 children, she had led a rebellious and adventurous life, and had learned many lessons from the school of hard knocks. Challenge and hardship were no match for her.

IMG_2361Over the years, I developed relationships with some of her siblings, my great aunts and uncles. Although we didn’t see him often, I remember visiting Roy, my great-uncle (through marriage). He was always good to us kids, bringing us gifts at Christmas. I remember one year he brought us special chocolates, a book of Christmas-edition life-savers I savoured for weeks, and a mini-bottle of Chanel N.5 I cherished throughout my middle-school years. As I grew up, attended high-school and university, I saw less and less of him, but thought of him affectionately as I looked back on those memories.

Fast forward to last year. A few months before Christmas, I learned that Roy was living in a nearby seniors housing centre and this would be the year of his 100th birthday. I tracked down his address and sent him a Christmas card, wishing him the best and expressing an interest in reuniting. A few months later, I received a response!

I told myself once my babies were a little older and it was a little easier, I would visit him.

A full year passed. It was Christmas again and I remembered my promise.

I searched out the number for the senior’s centre, called and left a message for Roy, introducing myself excitedly as his great-niece.

Two days later, I received a call from his son. Graciously, he immediately informed me of his father’s passing just a few months earlier. Expressing my sympathy and thanking him for the call, I hung up, regret weighing down upon my shoulders, once again.

In the hopes of escaping the discomfort, I quickly told myself not to worry…to forget about it.

But, the truth is, I was crushed.

I found myself reflecting upon the permanence of life and the value of every moment. I thought about the value and grace of my existing relationships. We have to cherish the relationships we have in the here and now.

Although, I can’t transport myself into the past, can’t change what has come to be, I can take this as a valuable lesson to quiet my hesitations, listen to my heart and trust my intuition to do what’s important.

“Regret is one of the most powerful emotional reminders that change and growth are necessary,” Brené Brown, author of Rising Strong, asserts. “It’s a call to courage and a path toward wisdom…regret can be used constructively or destructively. ‘No regrets’ doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. Regret is what [teaches] me that living outside of my values is not tenable.”

 

Jumping Out of Hot Tubs into Glittering Snowbanks: The 6 Steps Creating a Resolution that You’ll Actually Want to Keep

IMG_2092I am admittedly not a huge fan of the New Year’s resolution. For years, I’ve sworn off the whole practice. Why bother making an arbitrary goal dictated by some calendar date society deems to be important, leaving it in the hands of fate, knowing in your heart that failure and disappointment will naturally ensue? No, thanks. I’ll settle for the status quo, at least that way, I’ll know what to expect!

This past year, however, I’ve decided to revisit the whole idea. Perhaps, there is value in a yearly examination of one’s current state of affairs. Resolutions can serve as powerful, transformative intent statements that acknowledge something about the status quo that needs a rework and set a new course for the future.

Reflective practice can be a clarifying tool which allows us craft the lives we wish to be living, but intent alone is not enough to achieve success. We have to be willing to ask ourselves difficult questions, identify and challenge our limiting beliefs about what we can achieve, and commit ourselves to our mission, despite the inevitable adversity along the journey. We also have to be willing to digest and acknowledge our progress and successes in order for the process to feel authentic, positive, and worthwhile.

The following is a delineation of my end-of-year reflection process:

My hope, if you’re a skeptic like me, is that you might consider revisiting the exercise too, not for my benefit, but for yours…so that you might give yourself permission to explore your dreams and goals, knowing that you’re worthy of doing so.  

For this activity, I brought out my trusty journal, the same one that lives beside my bed at night, on the counter throughout the day, in my purse when I’m out-and-about…you get the idea (big-time nerd alert…I know). There’s something about the process of journaling that brings clarity and insight to situations, conflicts, or decisions that might otherwise seem so convoluted and complicated. And bonus- studies have shown that you are 42% more likely to achieve goals when you write them down. So, really, it’s a win-win!

1. Start by acknowledging your successes and triumphs

Instead of delving straight into the all-too-familiar, critical “what needs to change” mindset, focus on the positive progress you’ve made by asking:

What did I do/create/make happen/experience this year that I’m really proud of?

2. Set your intention

Ask yourself: What I really want is…?

This year, conscious of my tendency for certainty-seeking and perfectionism, I set the intention of actively inviting play into my life for 2018. I want to embrace spontaneity, uncertainty, and challenge myself to lean into that which is uncomfortable. Play, as Dr. Shimi Kang identifies in her TED talk, is the antidote to perfectionism. Sign me up!

3. Find your Why

Next, ask yourself: Why do I want this? How will this have impact?

I subscribe to the belief that we are all guided by 6 main emotional needs (certainty, variety, significance, belonging, progress, and contribution). I believe that our resolutions directly relate to those needs. When we become aware of our goals within the context of our emotional needs, the WHY becomes clearer. It’s easier to find motivation to stick to a goal when we understand how it’ll meet our emotional needs. Sometimes, by examining the underlying motivation, we might find ourselves re-evaluating the goal entirely in order to maintain our integrity.

For example, many people make the resolution to lose weight. Some do it so they can keep up with young children (belonging/love). Some do it so they can create a healthier life-style to lengthen their lives (certainty). Some do it so that they can fit into the media-driven model of what people should look like (significance or belonging). Some people do it because they want to challenge themselves (progress). When your why is strong, your dedication will become unshakeable.

4. Surviving the dip: Examine your limiting beliefs

In a world driven by instant gratification, we are attracted to the concept of the New Year’s Resolution, the magic-pill that promises lasting change with none of the challenge. However, casual goal-setting can’t work without the support of a compelling framework that holds us accountable, that pulls us through the inevitable dip. Seth Godin, acclaimed author and entrepreneur, asserts that this is the part where anything you’re working towards gets hard. It’s the point at which your subconscious finds every excuse to quit, give up, avoid the task, get “too busy”…make excuses.” It comes for everyone…no one is exempt from the pain of the dip. Willpower alone is not enough to affect positive change and get you through this period of self-doubt. When people rely on willpower, they often wind up in a battle of wills against themselves…and they lose, every time.

As speaker and author Mel Robbins says, “motivation is garbage.” Our propensity for hesitation works against our willpower. Hesitation protects us from perceived dangers, risks, and new experiences that push us beyond our comfortable habits. Often, there are subconscious inner conflicts at work, based on limiting beliefs about yourself or your identity that prevent you from achieving that which you want to do. Once you identify those forces or beliefs, then systematically challenge them, procrastination, avoidance, fear, and anxiety (all mechanisms designed to protect us from the pain of failure) can retreat, leaving you to your goal.

So, you have to see the dip coming, through the optimism of your goal-setting, and be prepared with one heck of a persuasive argument for when it knocks on your doorstep.

Ask yourself: What’s stopping me?

Make an exhaustive list of your favourite excuses, so you’ll see them coming a mile away.

Here are some of my favourite excuses (messy writing and all!) :

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5. Magic 20-No Matter What (NMW)

Now that you’ve got an comprehensive list of limiting (generally untrue) beliefs or excuses that your unconscious mind might employ to sabotage your efforts, make a counter-list of 20 ways you might be able to reach your goal NO MATTER WHAT! It’s crazy, but it works. Regardless of which external factors pop into your life, they won’t be able to jeopardize your goal because it means so much to you: your WHY is strong and so are your NMW reasons!

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6. Celebrate!

Go on and celebrate even the tiniest move in your desired direction.

Recently over the holidays, one of my best friends, my husband, and I were sitting in a hot tub overlooking the beautiful white carpet of freshly fallen, untouched snow, sparkling in the light of the full moon. During conversation, my friend mentioned repeatedly how fun it would be to jump into the snow and wished someone would just “do it!” A year ago, I would have vehemently resisted and avoided the adventure at all costs.

This time, something about it seemed intriguing…an opportunity for play! So, without allowing hesitation a chance to talk me out of it, I looked my friend dead in her eyes and challenged her: “If you’ll do it, I’ll do it!” And we did!

There we were, two thirty-something moms of little ones, throwing caution and reason to the wind like children would. We hopped out of the hot tub, giggling and squealing uncontrollably, ran through the snow in bare feet, rolled in the snow in wet bathing suits, sprinted and vaulted ourselves back into the respite of warm water, skin tingling, screaming…alive and, honestly, kind of proud. This was play at work. I could totally do this.

 

Happy New Year! Let me know how you approach you New Year!

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Empathy Leads the Way for the Transformation from Victimization to Resiliency

IMG_7940Just this morning, I had a realization that stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those “Aha” Oprah-moments that sent a jolt of electric energy from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. It’s a very simple concept, but it’s caused a dramatic paradigm shift in the way I look at people-centred pain.

I have spent the last few weeks or so researching for my newest project which will provide tangible support to teachers embarking on the Small Act Big Impact 21-Day Kindness Challenge with their classes in the form of grade-specific lessons, activities, and free resources.

I have stolen early morning, caffeine-filled moments at my dining room table sifting through books, articles, videos, websites, and adapting classroom lessons.

Anti-bullying strategies.

Neuroscience.

Peer-reviewed studies.

Opinion pieces in major magazines.

Psychological theories.

All of it has reinforced my belief that teaching generosity and kindness though explicit means within the classroom is essential to creating classroom cultures that promote a sense of belonging and significance for our students.

The research process got me thinking about the concept of understanding those who hurt us. Nothing underscores the universal human experience more than the hurt we have all suffered at the hands of someone else. Painful break-ups. Conflicts at work. Family Feuds. Misunderstandings with friends. Falling outs. Bullying on the school ground. Childhood trauma. We have all experienced varying degrees of very real interactional pain.

The thing is, many people reflexively tend to demonize those who have hurt us. Dehumanization of perpetrators or those who cause us pain somehow makes us feel justified in acting outside of our integrity. We blame. We rage. We might even turn to hate. We might act uncharacteristically. We do so with the intent of protecting ourselves, and ironically, we wind up perpetuating the pain. We can get stuck in the story and the victimization. We might find it challenging to seek understanding, because retribution can be what we ultimately seek. For example, when I think of students in conflict, the “winning” mentality can make it difficult to come to consensus and seek positive solutions. For some students, retribution seems like the only answer.

But…here’s what I realized this morning:

The more we understand bullies and those who hurt us either intentionally or not, the less victimized we become by their actions. When we see the situation or conflict at arm’s length, from a different perspective, I believe the narrative can change. That is what we need to teach students in order to build resiliency in the face of conflict.

And here’s where I have to be very clear. Reframing the narrative by seeking to understand various facets of a hurtful interaction does not mean standing by passively and allowing it to continue!

It’s not about condoning the hurtful actions or statements.

It’s not about blind forgiveness.

And, it’s not about inviting hurtful people back into our lives in the hopes that things “change.”

It’s about preventing the hurt from weaving itself into the narrative that defines us as individuals.

I recently had a fascinating conversation with a close family member about the importance of recognizing what motivates people to hurt us and the value in having empathy for them. We discussed that people are fundamentally motivated by a variety of needs and that their actions directly relate to those needs, whether they are conscious of them or not. I believe that when people hurt us, their words and actions are motivated by unmet needs. It’s like they’re in survival mode, finding the easiest, fastest route to strengthening themselves. Ironically, like fast food, hurting people to meet your needs doesn’t fill you up at all. It leaves you emptier, hungrier, and lonelier than ever. I argued that understanding these motivators provides us with a broader, richer context though which to view the hurt. We seek understanding from our empathy as much for our sake as theirs. And, it allows us to view it through a less personal, victimized lens.

Through several defining moments of my life, I have had to set clear boundaries to ensure that I stay true to my integrity and to protect my soul and spirit. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.” It’s not easy. It’s not simple. It requires a great deal of courage, possibly many attempts, and a boatload of help, but it’s possible to rise up against unfair treatment. When we look around us, we see so many examples of individuals banding together courageously to advocate against injustice.

By and large, we are creatures of habit and certainty. When we are thrust into trauma or hurtful conflict, we instinctively go into certainty-seeking mode. Our brains try to make sense of the interaction and search for the best path back to certitude. In the absence of tangible data, our minds generate narratives (whether they are accurate or not) that make sense because we are biologically wired to find patterns.  In his article on the Neuroscience of Story Gert Scholtz asserts, “Stories invoke the mind to fill in gaps and to anticipate future outcomes and as such it provides a safe simulation of reality.” This explains why many people who have been hurt, not only blame others but often blame themselves, consciously or unconsciously. If the pain is bad enough, they may apply this new narrative to redefine the way they interact and react to life’s stressors to avoid being hurt again. As we know, when our backs are against the wall, we fight, flight, or freeze.

Heartbreak and trauma may very likely be part of your biography, but it does not define who you are. We don’t have to own or accept the story our brains have set out for us. I believe that seeking to understand the motivations of an individual who introduced the hurt into our lives, gives us perspective and a new frame of reference through which to view the pain. We can be freed from the limiting beliefs that we are inextricably linked to our stories and that we are not only somehow at fault for what has happened to us, but that we ARE our stories.

When we realize that we are not our stories, that it is not our fault, we can experience the truest sense of spiritual and emotional freedom. Within the spaciousness of this newfound freedom, we become capable of writing our own endings.

How do we actually go about putting this understanding framework into action? Here are some powerful questions (from Rising Strong, Brené Brown) you might ask yourself or invite your students to ask themselves in conflict:

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  1. What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation in terms of what I know and my assumptions?
  2. What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story in terms of information I’m missing and questions I might have?
  3. What more do I need to learn and understand about myself in terms of my response, my feelings, and the part I play?

 

Sources:

*https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/neuroscience-story-gert-j-scholtz/

Brene Brown (Rising Strong/Braving the Wilderness)

Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic)

Maya Angelou

Tony Robbins

Dr. Shimi Kang