Shame vs. Humiliation vs. Guilt vs. Embarrassment (Brené Brown)

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Have you ever wondered what the difference between shame, guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment are?  Often we use these words interchangeably, but Dr. Brené Brown has so beautifully described the difference between the 4 terms:

  • Shame is “I am bad”  Shame is a focus on self. Imagine you’ve worked really hard to prepare a presentation with a coworker for an important staff meeting. One of your responsibilities was to prepare the powerpoint. You forget to save the file onto your computer and, as a result, your coworker is disappointed. If you feel shame, your immediate thought pattern is that you’re a bad person. “I’m the worst co-planner ever. I am such a loser for forgetting that powerpoint.”
  • Guilt = “I did something bad”  Guilt is a focus on behavior. If your self talk is : “ahh. I can’t believe I did that.  That was such a crappy thing to do,  I made such a poor choice not to back up my work!”  That’s guilt.

Our self-talk really matters and often frames the way we move through our relationships. Shame is highly correlated to aggression, addiction, depression, suicide, bullying, eating disorders, whereas guilt- the ability to separate who we are from our actions-without degrading our worth.

Guilt is inversely correlated to these same outcomes.  So, it’s much better for our mental health to focus on behaviour, even when we’re speaking in jest about ourselves.

  • Humiliation. With humiliation results in the same physiological response as shame except that you don’t believe you deserve the treatment:  sweaty palms, wish that the ground would swallow you up, wanting to make yourself small, nervous laughter… Dr. Brené Brown uses a school example:

A teacher is handing back papers and one of the students doesn’t have their name on the paper and the teacher calls the kid stupid:  If that child’s self-talk is “that is the meanest, most nasty teacher ever, I didn’t’ deserve that” What that child is likely experiencing is humiliation. As a parent or caregiver- I’m going to hear about that when the kid gets home- because they’re going to be angry and hurt and want to share it.  If the child’s self talk is immediately “ ugh. She’s right, I’m so stupid, why do keep forgetting to put my name on my paper, I’m so stupid,”  Thats shame.”

  • Embarrassment-it isn’t rooted in shame, is often funny and fleeting, and it doesn’t make you feel alone (it’s usually some universal human experience). Just think of that time that you put your sweater on backward and the tag was sticking out for the better part of an afternoon lunch with friends. Once you realize your mistake, it could leave you a little red-faced, but you know deep down that it’s human and that other people have done the same.

Shame is not funny.

Shame leaves one feeling alone and isolated.

E 64 – The Keys to Resilience (With Dr. Jacqueline McAdam)

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https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/kindsight-101/id1412489005?mt=2

How do we become resilient?

Why is it that people who have endured generations of hardship, famine, and war (in places like Kenya, Nairobi, and Rwanda) are more psychologically resilient than many individuals living in the developed world?

Join me as we uncover the secrets of resilience during this special conversation with Dr. Jacqueline McAdam.

Dr. McAdam is the founder of Resilient Generations, a social enterprise based in Canada with a specific focus on Africa which seeks to help unemployed youth in Africa, increase the diversification of the employment market for youth, and increase trade from Africa.

Dr. McAdam is a professor, coach, speaker in the area of developing resilience.

In this conversation, you’ll learn the three keys to resilient people as well as simple ways to build your resilience and that of your students.

You can find more information about Dr. McAdam and her work at Resilient Generations.

We also discuss:

– The difference between hope and despair
– Luck vs preparation
– How to foster psychological safety for our students
– The surprising nature of choice
– Resilience in the context of protective factors vs. risk factors
– The three P’s of resilience (Martin Seligman)
– Roots of Empathy
– The power of gratitude

Prepare to come away inspired!
https://resilientgenerations.ca/

 

 

Anxiety vs. Presence

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(Picture Courtesy of Amber Rae @heyamberrae on Instagram)

So, it’s that time of year, again.

Frenetic pace.

Anticipation of summer. Deadlines and due dates.

All pistons are firing.

The banality of lunch-making has reached epic proportions. I would rather barter 3 weeks of delivering our garbage to the curb, than pack another blessed lunch kit!

I don’t know about you, but I often feel restless about the change in routine. Transitions get me every time. They sneak up on me like a shadow in the sun. I forget how much I struggle, but lurking close behind is the restlessness of something not-quite-right.

My husband kindly reminds me that every year the transition from school-year to summertime shakes me up. I guess, like most educators, I’m a creature of habit.

So, I thought I’d share this graphic because it resonates with me.

Anxiety can often be derived from an obsessive focus on what’s next. Needing the certainty in an uncertain future.

The alternative?

Presence. It’s simple but not easy. When I feel a sense of restless discontent that I often associate with transitions, the best thing for me to do is to get still. Dialing back into the “now,” with a sense of observant presence is what can deliver us from anxiety and stress within the context of transitions.

So, whether you’re like me or not, I wish you a mindful June…a month when more than ever, you might just benefit from carving out some intention time dedicated to tuning back in YOU!

#kindsight101 #smallactbigimpact

E 63 – Inspiring a BE KIND Culture (With Roman Nowak)

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https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/kindsight-101/id1412489005?mt=2

Ever wonder what the key to engagement for your students can be?

How can connection be the key to achievement for our students?

How do we tear down the incorrect beliefs we have that other teachers are perfect?

Roman Nowak is a highschool teacher in Rockland, Ontario, Canada. A veritable kind of kindness, he hosted the #BEKINDedu chat on twitter with Eli Casaus and now hosts the #buildhope chat, has a blog, and makes kindness his mission.

You’ll learn some actionable ways to infuse kindness into your daily practice as a teacher and practical ways to build positive class culture.

You won’t want to miss this inspiring conversation with Roman Nowak.

You can find him at mrromannowak@wordpress.com
Books we talked about:

– Culturize (Jimmy Casas)
– Kids Deserve it (Adam Welcome)
– Teach Like a Pirate (Dave Burgess)

How to Build Trust in Hostile Environments

Building Trust in Hostile Environments

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Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

A friend of mine, who works in a factory-type workplace, took it upon herself to be a little innovative. She realized that the 2-component job she was doing was inefficient. Everytime she attached the fabric to the frame of a piece of furniture she was making, she was losing time picking up and putting down different tools. So, she decided to batch her work. She’d build 10 items, then switch tools and continue the second component of the job. She shaved minutes off the process and felt very successful. Except, a company like this values automation, rule-following, and process over innovation and creativity. The floor supervisor walked by her station and immediately lost his mind on her. What was she thinking going outside of the confines of the pre-determined process? He went straight to his supervisor, who then reprimanded my friend. Finally, after lunch, the issue was brought up once more in front of the other employees, stating weakly that they didn’t want to “single anybody out.” Right…My friend felt the eyes of her disapproving coworkers watching her throughout the meeting and felt flushed with shame.

When we think of the way we deal with students and the manner in which they often deviate from the processes we establish in our classrooms, how do we respond? Does that response contribute to or sabotage an environment of trust and creativity?

Dr. Darryl Stickel is a consultant who works with world-renowned organizations to develop trust. In fact, his favourite work is building trust in hostile environments.

He outlined some key rules that any leader can use to foster a sense of trust and three key qualities that foster trustworthiness.

Every leader has three levers at their disposal that enable trust within the organization. Here are the qualities and the questions you can ask to evaluate whether you are using these qualities as effectively as possible:

  1. Ability – Are you capable in your job? Do people trust in your abilities to get the job done?
  2. Benevolence – Do you have people’s best interests in mind and do they believe it? Do you think about the needs of the people you serve or do you think first of advancing your own mission and goals?
  3. Integrity – Does your behaviour reflect the values you hold dear? Are your actions consistent with your beliefs? Do you follow through on your promises?

Trust is the willingness to make yourself vulnerable to another party when you could choose to do otherwise and when you cannot be certain that they will act in your best interests.

People often base trust off of the balance between perceived uncertainty (How likely am I to be harmed?) and perceived vulnerability (How badly will it hurt?). If you can decrease the risk in both of these areas for the people you serve, the higher the trust will be in your organization, school, or classroom.

When I think about my friend, her trust in the organization for which she works is rock bottom. How can you increase the trust people have in you? Start asking some of those important questions.

 

E 62 How to Build Award Winning School Culture (With Hans Appel)

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https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/kindsight-101/id1412489005?mt=2

How do you build a culture at school that truly reflects values rooted in belonging, kindness, and celebrating the innovative capabilities and individualism of each student?

In this episode, we talk about going beyond the limits of the 21-century model of education to create school cultures that value the individual and celebrate kindness. You’ll learn specific strategies that can positively shift your school culture and actionable tips for encouraging excellence.

Hans Appel is a counselor at Enterprise Middle School in Washington State, which just recently won the 2018 Whole Child Award for Washington State, the 2018 Global Class Act Award for Kindness, and is now a finalist for the PBIS Film Festival for a video on their award winning culture. Hans is also a blogger, supervises a student-led podcast and loves all things kindness in creating positive school culture.

You’ll learn the three questions every staff should be asking themselves to align themselves to their culture.

You can find Hans on awardwinningculture.com or by seeking him out on social media.

How to Recalibrate After a Crash

 

How to Recalibrate After a Crash.

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Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

What do you do when you’ve hit rock bottom? Everyone goes through transformative, life-altering events that have the power to change the trajectory of your life forever. How you respond to the hardships is what determines your character. Whether you’ve suffered a loss, received a devastating diagnosis, experienced divorce, or gone through challenges that have pushed you to the brink of your sanity, we all need a roadmap to help us find our footing after a big crash.

I recently spoke to the amazing ultra-marathoner and pro-athlete, Janelle Morrison about her journey recovering from a car crash that left her body broken. By the way, she recovered to race again. She now has a newfound sense of self-compassion and a rejuvenated appreciation for life. She offered a simple approach that anyone can take when faced with difficult times and I wanted to share it with you.

Here are three questions to ask yourself that will transform your journey and help you to bounce forward, embracing the new you!

  1. What’s the opportunity within the challenge? Within every hardship is the opportunity for growth, self-learning, and transformation. The faster you are able to lean into the gifts of the experience, the less pain and resistance you’ll feel during the experience. Easy to say? Sure. Although it’s hard to practice this thinking, it truly is the key to freedom.
  2. So what, now what? What are you going to do now? What (micro) action can you take to propel yourself forward?
  3. Finally, ask yourself: Who am I? What do I need right now? You heart always knows. When you can quiet your thoughts and the “shoulds,” clarity comes more readily.

My hope is that you incorporate it within your work as an educator for your own benefit, but also for the benefit of your students.

 

 

E 61 – Tumbling into Success through Kindness and Faith (with Ruban Rebalkin)

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What do business and generosity have in common? How does someone grappling with their own mortality bounce forward stronger than ever, with a newfound understanding of what matters in life? How do we teach what truly matters to our own children through our honest modelling?

In this very special episode, you’ll meet Ruban Rebalkin, a loving father, husband and the Owner and operator of Tumblebums (a local toddler playcentre business that saved my sanity on numerous occasions when my two were little.

I invited Ruban onto KindSight 101 because his story of resilience, courage, and faith is inspiring to anyone-parents, teachers, humans alike. He overcame some of the most challenging circumstances when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer with a baby daughter, bounced forward, and continues on to pay-it-forward to the community through the work that he does serving families. He provides hope for those going through dark times and does it with grace and humour. This story has the power to shift a person’s perspective on what matters in life and the importance of generosity in creating community. You can learn more about Ruban by searching Tumblebums online. Hope you enjoy our conversation!

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/kindsight-101/id1412489005?mt=2

Three Steps to Resilience

The Three Keys to Resilience

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Photo by Yugal Srivastava on Pexels.com

I’ve often wondered what the difference is between those who are able to bounce forward from adversity versus those who get bogged down by their challenges. I recently stumbled upon the work of Martin Seligman, the “grandfather” of positive psychology. He states that there are three keys to resilience (that can be taught) that contribute to a more positive outlook on life.

  1. Personalization “It’s all my fault” – Someone who encounters difficult times may tell themselves the story that they are to blame for the hardships they endure. Resilient individuals tend to recognize that challenges are part of life and not their fault. Do you often find that you blame yourself for the hard knocks? What if you depersonalized your struggle?
  2. Permanence “I will always feel this way. Things will never change”- Despair is the belief that things will always be the way they are. Hope is the belief that there will be a better tomorrow. When you believe that your circumstances can change, you develop a more resilient mindset. Tell yourself: “This is temporary. This will not last forever. I can get through this tough period.”
  3. Pervasiveness “Bad luck always happens to me” – Pervasiveness in the context of resilience is the belief that bad luck will permeate every corner of your life and that you are predestined to be a victim to it. What if you challenged the notion that challenges permeate every aspect of your existence by seeking out the good. Gratitude practice is a great way to counter the negative effects of adversity. What’s good right now?

 

E 60: Supporting Students through Learning Challenges (With Delphine Rule)

 

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/kindsight-101/id1412489005?mt=2

Have you ever wondered what to do when a child in your class has a learning disability? How does one adequately ensure that the child maintains a strong sense of self, in spite of the fact that he or she may feel as though he/she is losing a race. What about parents? How do we support parents in navigating the rocky terrain related to having a child with learning difficulties? If you’ve ever taught or had a child with learning challenges, you’re going to love this conversation. You’ll learn some of the practical adaptations you can do at home and school. You’ll also learn the one thing you’ll need heading into a parent-teacher conference.

Delphine Rule is the mother of three children, two of whom have ADHD as well as learning disabilities. And she, herself, has a learning disability. She has spent the last 14 years working with students with learning challenges, both in and out of the classroom. Parents often have questions that are not always answered. Her goal is to be that support and sounding board for families through Access to Education.

https://www.access2education.com/about

 

One of the videos mentioned in the podcast…