Have you ever wondered what the difference between shame, guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment are? Often we use these words interchangeably, but Dr. Brené Brown has so beautifully described the difference between the 4 terms:
- Shame is “I am bad” Shame is a focus on self. Imagine you’ve worked really hard to prepare a presentation with a coworker for an important staff meeting. One of your responsibilities was to prepare the powerpoint. You forget to save the file onto your computer and, as a result, your coworker is disappointed. If you feel shame, your immediate thought pattern is that you’re a bad person. “I’m the worst co-planner ever. I am such a loser for forgetting that powerpoint.”
- Guilt = “I did something bad” Guilt is a focus on behavior. If your self talk is : “ahh. I can’t believe I did that. That was such a crappy thing to do, I made such a poor choice not to back up my work!” That’s guilt.
Our self-talk really matters and often frames the way we move through our relationships. Shame is highly correlated to aggression, addiction, depression, suicide, bullying, eating disorders, whereas guilt- the ability to separate who we are from our actions-without degrading our worth.
Guilt is inversely correlated to these same outcomes. So, it’s much better for our mental health to focus on behaviour, even when we’re speaking in jest about ourselves.
- Humiliation. With humiliation results in the same physiological response as shame except that you don’t believe you deserve the treatment: sweaty palms, wish that the ground would swallow you up, wanting to make yourself small, nervous laughter… Dr. Brené Brown uses a school example:
” A teacher is handing back papers and one of the students doesn’t have their name on the paper and the teacher calls the kid stupid: If that child’s self-talk is “that is the meanest, most nasty teacher ever, I didn’t’ deserve that” What that child is likely experiencing is humiliation. As a parent or caregiver- I’m going to hear about that when the kid gets home- because they’re going to be angry and hurt and want to share it. If the child’s self talk is immediately “ ugh. She’s right, I’m so stupid, why do keep forgetting to put my name on my paper, I’m so stupid,” Thats shame.”
- Embarrassment-it isn’t rooted in shame, is often funny and fleeting, and it doesn’t make you feel alone (it’s usually some universal human experience). Just think of that time that you put your sweater on backward and the tag was sticking out for the better part of an afternoon lunch with friends. Once you realize your mistake, it could leave you a little red-faced, but you know deep down that it’s human and that other people have done the same.
Shame is not funny.
Shame leaves one feeling alone and isolated.